Bird House
by Blood Red Knife
Summary: What happens when Garrus an Tali talk to Harbinger, while he is building a bird house?


Bird House

I do not own the Mass Effect series. It belongs to EA and Bioware.

Warning the following story contains strong language and some strange and disturbing content and anyone under the age of 18 should get the hell out of here right now!

It had been five years since Commander Shepard had saved the entire universe. He was a pure paragon who had made the ultimate sacrifice. Commander Shepard had chosen synthesis by sacrificing his live and merging himself with everyone and everything in the universe he had brought ever lasting peace. He had given all synthetics emotions and understanding and he had also given organics the ability to upgrade themselves with technology and have the ability to make themselves fully integrated with it.

Besides that though everything else was still the same, except everyone now was living in a state of peace and harmony; the reapers had helped to rebuilt everything in order to repent for what the Catalyst had made them do. Still it would be a long time before they were fully forgiven for what they had done, it would take them an even longer time to forgive themselves. Still every race of being wither synthetic or organic was alive and thriving. Liara had loved Shepard with all her heart and soul; she had given everything to him. He was gone now and she had no intention of finding love with someone else, Shepard was the only person she would ever love and be with heart mind and body, even if she lived a thousand years.

Still though before Shepard had died he had managed to knock her up, so Lira had given birth to two twin daughters she named Shepard and Anderson. They reminded her of their father a lot and she raised them with the love of two parents.

The crew of the Normandy had gone their separate ways since the end of the reaper war. Still they would all make sure to meet once a year to celebrate Shepard's sacrifice and all the good times that had serving under him. Anyway Garrus and Tali had hooked up and were living together on her home planet of Rannoch. They had been together for five years now and even though it had taken a long time, Tali had finally managed to fall in love with Garrus and not just use him for his body.

The two of them were sleeping soundly together, Tali was resting he head on Garrus chest and he was storking her hair. They were both sleeping soundly, than they both heard an extremely loud thumping sound that woke them both up. Tali bolted up and said, "Garrus what's that noise?"

Garrus replied, "I don't know, let me look outside."

Garrus looked outside the bedroom window and then returned to bed and said, "Ah never mind it's just Harbinger."

"What is he doing?"

"Looks like he's building something."

"Well go outside and tell him to keep it down."

"You know how sensitivity he is Tali, I remember when we forget his birthday? He cried so much that he drowned our house."

"Don't remind me of that, ah fine let's just get up now and find out what the heck he's doing."

"Okay."

So Garrus and Tali walked outside of their house and saw that Harbinger was trying to build some sort of wooden structure. Garrus walked over to him and said, "Hey Harb what are you doing?"

Harbinger just sighed as the wooden structure he made feel apart and said, "I'm just trying to build a bird house here."

Tali said, "Bird house? Harbinger there are birds on many different worlds. However, there are no birds on Rannoch."

"What, but Javik told me….no….no….THIS KNOWLEDGE HURTS ME!"  
"Come on big guy it's not the end of the world, I mean I know it's the 9,000th time since Javik's trolled you, but at least you could to do something constructive instead of setting around all day and watching husk porn."

"Oh come on you guys should totally get into that? A wait a second Garrus turians are Avian right."

"Yes we are."

"Great then, so can you please live in my bird house for a day?"

"No way in hell is that happening."

"But…come on please."

"NO!"

"I beg you to reconsider that!"

"Ain't going to happen."

"THEN YOU FORCE ME TO TAKE DARSTIC ACTION! THIS HOLOVID WILL HURT YOU!"

Harbinger than showed Tali and Garrus a holovid/hologram of Garrus in a gay strip club on Omega. The gay people were cheering their heads off as Garrus stripped off every bit of his clothing. As soon as he was butt naked Garrus raised his arms at the cheering crowed and shouted, "I'M GARRUS VAKARIAN AND THS IS MY RECTUM!"

Garrus spun around and showed his rectum and Tali watched in absolutely horror as Garrus was fucked by every gay male on Omega. He was also fucked by all the straight males to since they all wanted to brag about how they had hammered the great Garrus Vakarian. Tali, Garrus and Harbinger watched the video until it ended. As soon as it was over the hologram vanished. Garrus knew he was screwed and he couldn't look Tali in the eye anymore. Tali was sobbing in sadness; she hadn't cried this heard since her father had died. The pain in her eyes was enough to make a krogan cry!

Garrus tapped his fingers together and quickly sputtered, "That video was real, but it was like from ten years ago. I was just experimenting and it was way before I met you."

Harbinger said, "Actually that video was from one week ago, I found it on my favorite porn site."

Tali was so enraged that her fists were shaking in anger! Garrus could not remember a time in all the years that he had known her, when he had seen her so angry. Tears of pure heart break and rage ran down Tail's face as she screamed, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?"

"Tail …I….."

"LAST WEEK YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE VISITNG YOUR FAMILY, INSTEAD YOU WENT TO OMEGA AND BECAME A GAY BUTT BOY! YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH A THOUSEND MEN!"

"Actually it was ten thousand."

Tali violently pushed Garrus chest and screamed, 'FUCK YOU, MAY THE SPIRTS DAMN YOU TO THE END OF TIME! I LOVED YOU, HECK I STILL LOVE YOU AND IT HURTS….IT HURTS SO FUCKIGN MUCH!"

Tali then fell down on her knees crying. She felt like Shepard had after he had shot and fatally wounded Anderson. She was broken and would never be whole again. Garrus wanted to touch her, but she backed away from him and sneered, "I never want you to touch me again, you mother fucking butt boy!"

Garrus backed away from her and Harbinger realized the scope of what he had just done. Harbinger would have twiddled his thumbs if he had any, since he didn't he just said, "Boy maybe I shouldn't have showed that. Hey why don't I take you guys to see the Leviathans? They are the best couple councilors in the universe now, actually they just brainwash them all to get along and forget their problems, but still that's something."

Tali replied, "No thank you Harbinger, I will handle Garrus infidelity the Quarian way."

"Alright then, I am going to go build a bird house on a planet that actually has birds. So I'll just catch you guys later."

Then Harbinger flew away to a planet that actually had birds on it. Now that he was gone and Garrus was all alone with Tali, he knew how screwed he was. The anger in her eyes was greater than that of a thousand hot red flaming suns! Garrus was now regretting his little Omega adventure more than he had ever regretted anything else in his life. Garrus felt a cold shiver of fear run down his spine as he said, "So what are you going to do to me?"

Tali then laughed a dark and evil laugh and it was at that moment that Garrus knew that he was eternally screwed. A week later Tali friends came to her house to celebrate Commander Shepard's sacrifice which was now becoming a holiday celebrated by everyone in the entire universe! Most of the crew were celebrating with their friends and other loved ones on their home planets. But Liara and her daughters, Joker EDI were now married and James and Ashley who were now dating would gladly celebrate with her. Javik wanted to come to, but Tali didn't invite him since he was a space troll. The only reason he hadn't killed himself to join his crew, was to devote his life to trolling the reapers. Even though Tali had no not invited him he still showed up anyway.

So she decided to just put up with him, when everyone went to Tail's house they all had drinks and talked about all the good times they had had with the great Commander Shepard. James and Ashy were going to get married soon, but they hadn't set a date yet. Joker and EDI were going to adopt a kid soon and Liara was going to become the new asari consoler. Anyway when they were all done talking, they sat down at Tali dinner table and saw that she had made eight huge pies for all of them! James started digging in and everyone else started eating the pies to, the pies tasted strange to all of them. As for Javik after he took one bite of pie his face became very green as he said, "I highly recommend my primitive friends that we stop eating this pie this instant!"

Everyone thought he was just trolling them like always, so they just ignored him. After awhile Liara got disturbed by Garrus's absence and said, "Ah Tali where is Garrus?"

Tali replied, "He's gone now Liara, but before he left he helped me make this pie."

"Gone where?"

Before Tali could say anything, James moaned in delight and had another helping of pie and said, "Oh God Tali this has to be the best pie that I have ever had in my whole life! What's in it exactly?"

Tali took another bite of her pie and smirked as she replied, "It's an Avian pie James."

For a split second James stopped eating as everyone else got a very disturbed look on their faces, then he just struggled his shoulders and said, "Oh okay."

He continued eating his pie, while Tali continued smiling, while taking another bite of her pie.

_Meanwhile in Heaven_

Garrus found himself walking towards a bar on a cloud. The moment that he opened the door to the bar he found himself seeing Thane, Mordin and Legion sitting at a table sharing a few beers with Commander Shepard. As soon as Shepard saw Garrus he ran over to him and greeted him like a brother. Garrus took a set with Shepard and the rest of his fallen comrades. They all exchanged stories of their past exploits and all of the fun, heroic, crazy and stupid things they had all done when they were all alive. Shepard was very happy when Garrus told him about his daughters and how much they reminded Lira of him.

He was also happy to learn how great a place the universe had become thanks to his sacrifice. Thane was very happy to learn that his son had gotten married and now had a son of his own who had had named after him. All was well and good and many beers were drunk. However, after having his fifth beer Shepard said, "So Garrus how did you die, I mean knowing you I bet you went down in a blaze of glory taking out a ton of thugs on Omega."

"Well the thing about that Shepard is that….well I did go to Omega, but…."

"But what."  
Garrus sighed and replied, "I don't think your allowed lies here and even if you are I am a terrible lair. I cheated on Talia with a lot of guys on Omega and when she found out she killed me and backed me into a lot of pies. Oh well at least now I am inside of all our friends like you are, just in the most disgusting way possible. I guess I really fucked up."

Thane, Legion and Mordin stared at Garrus in absolute horror while Shepard just said, "Garrus the images you have just put in my mind with that story are so horrible that if I wasn't already dead I would kill myself to be free of them, I mean what were you thinking?"

"Ahh…I'm going to go make some calibrations."

"There is no calibrating in heaven."

"NOO!"

The End


End file.
